through chaos as it swirls

This song helped me through many of the dark days of last fall, and as autumn creeps up again I find myself gravitating toward it once more. It's rain-hearted music.


This tightrope that I'm walking just sways and ties
   The devil as he's talking with those angel's eyes,
      And I just want to be there when the lightning strikes
         And the saints go marching in. 


My heart's a bit of a mess right now. Maybe that's what it is.

on love

"So, having found a lady, could you not have come to her aid, or left her alone? Why drag her into your foolishness?"

"Love," he explained.

She looked at him with eyes the blue of the sky. "I hope you choke on it," she said, flatly.

- from Stardust, by Neil Gaiman

apprehension

Today was the last day of my summer. It's left me with red eyes and freckled elbows, with Sgt. Pepper in my car and a heartful of complex emotions. And now my textbooks are sitting in a stack on my desk, with a box each of brand-new pencils and paperclips, waiting.

I'm not ready. If I'm being very honest, I'm a little bit scared. But my sweet, dear friend wrote me a beginning-of-school letter that made me feel a little lighter.  And tomorrow is coming fast, whether I want it or not.

So tomorrow I'll wake up, and I'll make some tea. I'll wear my converse. I'll pray very hard, and walk into my 9:05 Finite Math class and smile. And from there?

I suppose we'll find out.

8.21.12

a confession (just one thing)

I like the way you say my name. The way you say it before a serious statement, a secret, a revelation. Before questions. After compliments.
I like the way you say it sometimes, and blink, and slowly shake your head, as though you've lost all your words.
I like the way you mock me with it.
My favorite is the way you say my name when we haven't seen each other in a while, and you smile at me, and I smile at you, and it becomes the beginning of a conversation.
There's no subtext, no hidden meaning. But you say it like it means something. Like it's a name worth saying.

(unrelated picture I took and liked :)

chameleon

photo by Michael Molthagen

return

I got back from a trip recently. On paper, it wouldn't seem like anything momentous: it was a trip to a state I've been to a hundred times before, to see people I've seen a lot of in the past. But I came back with a flickering light lit up full force. Something about reaffirming that the people I love love me too lifted a lot of self-doubt and self-loathing. It's easier to notice when things are going all right.

Here it is: the end of the hiatus. The words still aren't exactly the way I wanted them, but here they are. Thank you for your patience:)