some self-indulgent emoting, with an emphasis on being loved and how to love in return

In the middle of last week, my friend left me a voicemail, and by the end of it I was crying in the middle of the kitchen. Sometimes the love of people is too much -- I know I don't deserve it and I don't know what to do with it. I've scarcely picked up my phone since. I'm afraid of electrocution.

A few weeks ago, a friend's mom came up to me in church. She smiled straight into my eyes and said, "How are you?" She ruffled the back of my hair softly. I haven't been able to get the incident out of my head.

Lately, someone I love very much has been causing me pain. And I'm trying to figure out how to react to it. My first instinct is to curl up into a tiny ball with my armor on the outside, like the roly-polys I played with as a kid. My first instinct is to get cold and hard, and act like it doesn't hurt at all.

Being loved by other people makes me acutely uncomfortable. But the opposite hurts in a different way. I'm doing my best not to steel myself against either kind of pain. I want to be soft. I want to love as deeply as I can.

(If you have any advice, let me know.)